The view from the plane was amazing. The blue sky melded seamlessly with the ocean below, clouds rolling in streams and casting shadows on the undulating waves below. It was the perfect scene.

She laughed softly beside me, breaking me out of my trance. I turned to look at her, wondering what she was laughing at. Her screen showed a movie showing, Rebel Wilson was in it, "How to be single" was the title I think, an odd choice of a movie. Nonetheless she seemed to be enjoying it thoroughly. She was beautiful when she smiled.

"Is it nice?" I asked her
"Huh?" she replied, not really hearing my question, her eyes still glued to the screen.
"Is this movie good?" I repeated, a little closer this time.
"Its okay" she replied, still smiling at the screen.

I smiled, I knew that "its okay" was the highest possible compliment she gave. She liked the movie apparently. I turned back to the window, we were descending slowly now and I could see ships sailing across the sapphire blue waters. This was beginning to shape up into a wonderful trip I thought, and smiled again to myself.

She sat beside me in silence. Her eyes looking forward, unblinking, unmoving. She looked tired, I could see it in her eyes. It was my fault she was tired. And I couldn't do anything to help.

"Are you tired?" I asked her.

"Why?" Her usual reply, always the curious-er one.

"You look tired" I replied.

She didn't answer me.

I messed up I realized. I was so stupid and so egotistic. I didn't see that she was really what mattered to me. And now, only after, did I know. She was the one who would do anything for me. And she was the one who really mattered.

I touched her face, she didn't flinch, didn't move. She looked back at me, her mouth in a slight smile.

"What are you looking at?" She asked, rhetorically, she knew I always looked at her.

My heart skipped a beat. She was beautiful when she said that. It wasn't because she didn't know why either, it was because she wanted to talk to me.

"You. Cause you're beautiful" I replied.

"Right..." She said, looking forward once more. I swear her tiny little smile got a little bit bigger.

She sat a little straighter as a gust of wind blew at her hair. Silence once more.

There were so many things I wanted to tell her. So many things I wanted to show her. So many things I wanted to do with her. The way she used to smile when I told her stories of my day. The way she laughed at my jokes, however lame they were. They way she would press her head into my chest. I missed those.

I looked at her once more. She looked back, head tilted low, her eyes looking upward at my face. She was cute.

"What?" She demanded once more.

I smiled again and swore to myself never to make her cry again.

"merry christmas", I whispered as she rested her head on my chest. The cold night air enveloped the both of us as she hugged me even tighter.
"do you miss me?" she asked, her hands shivering from the cold.
"of course", I replied. Her warmth, her kindness, her love. I missed them all.
"I missed you too" she said. Her voice trailing off into the cold night air.

I placed my hand around her cheeks, stroking them. Her hazel eyes looked back at me. Melancholy? I did not understand, I was right there with her, why is she emanating such a sad look?

I closed my eyes and gave her a kiss. As passionate as I could.
And then I woke up. My heart aching. The room dark. I looked around the room and saw a light blinking on my phone. It was text from her -
Merry Christmas baby, I love you.

Thunder rumbles in the distance
Howling wind beckons
The soft and inevitable
The rain approaches

You rest your head
On my chest
My heartbeat in sync
With the sound of the rain

You draw a line down my back
Sending chills arching
I squirm and writhe
Like the lightning

You whisper in my ears
Words so reassuring
I smile in my sleep
Sounds of rain accompanying

The clouds touch the Earth
And the rain falls
You close your eyes
And kiss my lips

There it is
What I've been waiting for
Here it is
What did I worry for

When I go for camp,
And I won't see you for weeks,
I just want you to know,
That I miss you just as much,
As you miss me.

When I turn on the TV,
Or listen to spotify,
I hear the songs.
The songs you've danced to,
And I miss you.

When I walk around the mall,
All the sights and sounds,
We used to look at together,
I always can't help,
But miss you too.

When I'm at rehearsals,
With my violin under my chin,
I remember how,
You like my playing,
And I miss you again.

Just so you know,
I think about what you do
Every single minute,
every single second,
I wonder if you've eaten,
if you're safe,
and if you miss me
like I do today.

Just so you know,
my heart skips a beat
when you smile at me.
Is this a fact of magic?
Or some trick of science?
I just can't help
smiling back at you
So you would continuing smiling

Just so you know,
I could hug you all day long.
Immersed in your smell,
caressing your face,
kissing your lips,
feeling your pulse,
watching you sleep.
I will do that all day.

Just so you know,
I love you.
I am thankful to have met you
that you took the courage
and showed me how
love felt again.
I love you
all the way.

   I've never been one to keep contact with friends for many years. If we've stopped talking, chances are I will move on. I've never had "childhood" friends or buddies who have been with me since school. One of the many cons of migrating all the time I guess.
   Thus, I never understood this insistence with meeting your ex-partner. To me, relationships, once they ended, was the end of the friendship. Even if people parted on good terms, there can never be the same interactions ever again. And I am okay with that. Life goes on, and I move on, and I don't look back at the things that was or could have been. For this reason, I am happy with the present. Despite the problems, this is what we have. Whatever happened, have already did, and there is nothing we can do anymore about it. Whatever could have happened never did, and hence, are of no consequence at all.
   It seems very strange, therefore, why you kept asking and insisting on meeting him. Especially so after the fact he tried to hide things from me. What was it really I wondered. Was it reminiscence for old times? Are you not happy with the present? Was it just catching up with a friend? Why can't this be done through social media then? And why the insistence I not be present if you do meet up? Awkwardness? Seems like a very arbitrary excuse.
   You asked me to trust you, yet I still find myself fearing. I don't like him. I don't like him at all. I don't like the way he is treating you. So sorry, and please forgive me if I cannot understand why you still insist.

      Long time, both in updating this blog, and also since the breakup, and the reason I started writing. A few months more than a year, and so much has happened.

      They say fate works in mysterious ways and indeed, that seems more and more plausible now. Fate, or circumstances, either way, I would not be doing the things I am now if it wasn't for the events that have transpired. 

      The people I've met, the things I have done, and the opportunities I was given, would have followed an entirely different path. Would I have regretted it? Probably not, for how can you regret something which would never have happened? Yet I would still choose the life I live now over what I had in the past. It is hard to believe how much my life, and my person have changed. I commonly joke with some of my new friends and acquaintances about how they wouldn't have recognized me slightly more than a year ago and this seems to be a difficult point to prove. Yet I am certain of these changes because I, more than anyone, know what I was, and what I have become.

     The memories of that lost era still follow me, but now, I am able to talk about them without the pain that is associated with them. Sometimes, my friends still say, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up" but in my heart, I realized that I no longer feel a thing. Memories can only hurt me, if I let them and, I have no more reason to let them.

    The girl I have fallen in love with now, has become a most integral part of my life. She is vastly different to my ex, and that, is probably what I like most about her. 

    The friends I have made, both at KLpac and at MPYO, would probably not have come to be, if it wasn't for my boredom after the breakup, and my decision to really make something serious out of this craft. Where I was comfortable and lazy before, I am now determined and looking forward to a future I forge myself.

    To everyone who was there when I needed them most- Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Some I may not talk to anymore, some, I still hang out with regularly, but all of you are important to me. 

   She looked at me from across the table, her expression, passive, her demeanor, relaxed. Her eyes though, were sharp. Looking at me intently from behind her large pair of spectacles. There was no mistaking it, she was intent on getting what she wanted.
   "post something, or I'm not talking to you." she said, softly, yet laced with purpose.
   I laughed. However deathly serious she seemed, she was so incredibly cute. Like a fluffy cat who's just issued a death threat.
   "but I don't know what to write about!" I protested. It was true. Nothing I would write seemed good enough, the content would either be bland and uninteresting, or the length, too short.
   "I'm serious" she growled, "do you want to test me?"
   I took a step back, I believed it unlikely she would actually stop talking to me just because I refused to write. Was I wrong? What harm would there be in thinking of something to write too? Was the risk of being ignored worth it? No, I concluded. I thoroughly enjoyed talking to her, and she's grown to mean so much more than that now. If writing something would make her happy, then I would gladly do it.
   "Ok then, let me think of something...", I conceeded.
She let out a sweet smile. It was beautiful. It was worth it I thought, if only to see that smile.

   She lay her head on me. I could feel her breath on my skin, slow, soft. Her chest rose and fell to her rhythmic breathing, a predictable and comforting feeling. Her hair was soft and smelled like fresh roses. It tickled, but in a familiar and comfortable way. It was, an experience I've missed deeply.

   I watched her as she slept. It was a rare moment of peace and serenity every living creature shared. The moment you completely let your guard down, and are at your most vulnerable. This appealed to me, it wasn't the chats, or interactions that made you feel at home with a person, but rather, it was the silence. The ability to enjoy the time spent together in silence, in sleep. It was beautiful.

   I caressed her hair, gently touching the outside of her ears. She let out a little moan, apparently annoyed at having her sleep disturbed. I smiled, it was cute when I annoyed her and I took pride in knowing I was the only one able to do that.

   "Wake up." I whispered softly into her ear. She moaned again, "what time is it?" she asked, obviously still half asleep.
   "Time to wake up." I whispered again followed by a small kiss on her cheeks.
   "Just a bit more..." She mumbled, apparently still sleepy.
   I smiled again. It really was beautiful.

   When you've lived life not given much, and not expecting much, there comes a certain perspective. You start to think you aren't worth it. This will start to show in you're work, your studies and slowly, people will start to think that you're worthless too.

   It then takes a very special someone to be able to come and see your worth. They will whisper to you "you're worth it" and at first, you brush it off. "what nonsense" you'll think "it's just flattery" and you go your way. This special someone however, will come and whisper again "you are worth it" and this time, you start to doubt. Maybe, just maybe, you aren't as worthless as you've been led to believe. Still, you remain skeptical, and try your best to ignore it.
   This time, however, that someone will come, put their arms on your shoulders, and say it to your face in a firm voice "you are worthy of my love". This is when you close your eyes, and realize, there are people who care deeply for you in the world. Not empty words, not spoken out of obligation, not for personal gain, but people who just genuinely enjoy your presence.

   You give them a big hug, and you solemnly promise, never to let them go. Again.

   The rehearsal room was filled with sounds of instruments. Soft melodies, noisy scales, violins, flutes, cellos, drums; a strangely nostalgic blend of noise. I was no stranger to orchestral playing, but it was mesmerizing every time.

   I sat there briefly chatting with my desk partner, a girl whom I've known for almost a year. We hadn't seen each other in months, except for the occasional hellos and goodbyes we exchanged when we bumped into each other in church. There was indeed much to catch up on.

   That was when I looked up from my position and noticed a girl sitting almost opposite me; a violist. She was beautiful. Her face was small and diminutive, which was in perfect contrast with her size. Ovaline, yet not overly so, perfectly tapering off in a sharp refined chin. Her hair was a long wavy mess. Not in a very unkempt style, but it seemed almost deliberate. I wondered if she spent hours on it. It was lovely. Her eyes were aquiline, the sort you see on asian supermodels. Not huge, like the trend these days, but rather, stately and almost regal. A rather high nose sat between those eyes, it was a contrast against her asian eyes, but for some reason, seemed to complement them. Her lips did not smile, but rather exuded a sense of seriousness. I imagine it was because we were in a serious place and in a serious situation. Still, I found myself wondering how she would look if she smiled a little. It must be beautiful I thought.

   My desk partner stood up and approached her, greeting her like old friends. She smiled, I was right, it was breathtaking. I wonder if she noticed me I thought.

People come and go
   They pass by everyday
   Some stay a while,
   Some don't even try.
   Yet most make promises
   "I'm here for you"
   "Whenever you need me"
   "Yes we are friends"

I wonder if they know
   How hard it has become
   For me to trust again.

Words are easily uttered;
   They can be said,
   With nary a hesitation.
   They can be typed,
   With even less consideration.

And that's why
   Words, don't mean anything,
   Anymore, to me.
   Prove your conviction
   Through the actions you take.
  

"Will you love me forever?"
I asked, not quite sure why.
"Yes, I promise."
She replied, also unsure.
I wonder if you knew then
that promises were made to be broken
by people
who have no conviction to keep
the things that make them happy.

   The airport was abuzz with activity. Luggage piled around the counters, people stood around them, some loitering around, some on their smartphones, some just looking around. The fact that it was almost 3 in the morning made it even more incredible.

   We sat at a cafe, it too was packed with people.
   "Guess a letter." She pleaded. We were playing hangman.
   "i?" I asked.
   "Yeap, here... and here." She wrote.
   I looked at her. It was going to be hard saying goodbye I thought.

   An announcement for her flight came over the PA system and we walked quietly over to the gate.
   "Well, this is goodbye." She said, not daring to look at me.
   "Yes it is. Goodbye, and I hope you find what you're looking for." I replied. My heart felt empty. Was this really the end? I scarcely believed it. It felt like a dream, a bad dream I will wake from at any moment.

   I watched her enter the gate, producing her passport and boarding pass to the police standing guard. Was this real? I still couldn't believe it. How do you go from best friends, partners, lovers, to total strangers in the blink of an eye. I couldn't, but evidently she could.

   I turned and walked towards the train station. I didn't dare look back, for fear of her seeing the tears running down my face.

   Ever get the feeling that you don't deserve what you've got? That there is someone out there who has put in more effort than you have and probably deserves it more than you? The feeling of apology, and followed by that, a feeling of fear. That you will not live up to people's expectations of you. Because you know, deep down, that someone could have done it better.
    You start to panic, start to doubt yourself. You start to give up, before even starting.
     Then, you take a step back. You take a breath, and thank whoever it is that provided the opportunity to you. And then, you do it. To the best of your ability.
     And you don't regret it. However the outcome turns out. You know, you've done your best. A sudden moment of clarity comes. And you realize, you were chosen for that job. It wasn't a random lottery draw. Yes there might be people better, but you were chosen instead.
      And, you sneak a smile. Because you realized that you should never have doubted yourself in the first place.  

"Did you miss me?" I asked gingerly over the phone.
"Meh..." was her reply. My heart sank a little.
"Well good night then I guess."
"Yeap, goodnight."
"Hang up?"
"No you hang up."
I laughed. She could really be hard to read sometimes I thought. It was intriguing, someone who was able to keep you interested for so long. It was what attracted me to her I guess.
A text came soon after I hung up.
'I miss you too. :)"
She really was hard to read I thought, trying to suppress a smile. I settled in for the night, my heart felt a little warmer.

   "Will you post something for me to read?" She asked with a small smile.
   "You like reading my nonsense?" I replied, slightly confused. I did not think that people would actually read my blog, not to mention even enjoying it.
   "Its not nonsense, and I like reading about your feelings." She answered. Her smile, a little wider now, and her eyes shone a little brighter.
   "Why? They aren't important..." I started, still not sure if she was genuinely interested in what I considered to be just an outlet for my crazy emotions.
   "They are. To me, because I care about your feelings." She leaned a little closer, her perfume hitting me like a tidal wave of euphoria.
   "Well, I might post something then." Her reply was perfect. Somewhat unexpected, but perfect nonetheless. I smiled broadly, and looked her straight in her eyes. Her eyes were partly obscured by her eyelid, her irises were deep and black, but behind them shone an intelligence few people possessed.
   She looked away sheepishly, blushing ever so slightly. My heart skipped a beat, she was radiant that night. She may not be the most beautiful girl in existence, but in my mind, she was beautiful beyond compare.

   "What?" She whispered softly. Still looking away though, I could still see her trying to suppress a smile.
   "You look beautiful today." I replied, truthfully, with no holds-barred. She turned to look at me, no longer suppressing her smile, she smiled widely.
   "Thank you." She replied, as she leaned in for a kiss.

   I now knew what to write for my blog.

   "Goodnight" she stated, her mouth curled in a mild smile.
   "Well, goodnight" I replied with a grin.

   She reached over for a kiss, a deep and passionate one, before stepping out of my car.

   I watched her leave and felt a feeling I haven't felt in a while; a feeling of reluctance. I wanted to sweep her up off her feet and kiss her one more time. My heart yearned for another glimpse of her smile. I didn't want her to leave.

   Instead, I drove off after she entered her house. Her text came promptly soon after, "Drive safely". I looked at the text smiling. It was the little things that counted. Knowing that you are constantly in someone's mind, and that they worry and care for your well-being brought an extreme sense of fulfillment to me. It finally felt like I was appreciated, not just for what I do, but for who I am too.
 
   I couldn't suppress a broad smile as I texted a reply, "Definitely =)" I was happy again I realized. A happiness I thought I had lost forever.  

   We sat on the bed, watching the movie I just downloaded. She lay there, with her head cocked to the side, hugging a pillow. It was cute I thought, as I sneaked a smile. She looked up at me with her sleepy eyes.
   "Whaaat?" She asked, dragging out the word deliberately.
   "Nothing," I started, "You're just cute thats all."
   "Right" She replied, still with a sleepy look, but with a faint smile on her face. She looked back towards the TV, and very subtly leaned a little closer to me. The faint smell of her fragrance wafted towards me. It was a hypnotizing smell, one that could make any man weak. It was also strangely reassuring, the feeling of security I so desperately needed.

   I took a chance, putting my arms around her and drawing her even closer to me. She did not put up any resistance and her head fell onto my chest with familiar comfort. I smelled her hair, savoring the moment. She looked up at me, eyes staring deep into mine as if trying to figure out what my actions meant. She was really immensely cute. I couldn't resist it anymore as I brought her head up and gave her a long and deep kiss. It felt both natural and fun at the same time, a strange combination, but one that I sorely needed.

   She smiled deeply and broadly.
   "I think I'm falling for you..." She whispered, softly too, like it was only meant for me to hear and that if any sliver of sound escaped, the magic would be dispelled .
   "I think I'm falling for you too." I whispered back, from the bottom of my heart.

   If we could be like this forever, things would be perfect I thought.