They say it takes a crisis to know your true friends. Throughout this, there was a girl who listened to my rants day and night. Who drove more than 30 minutes to PJ just to accompany me. Who thought about me all the time. I guess I've just been too blind to appreciate her.
The first obvious indications of her feelings to me was when she passed me a small bag at Starbucks. I was surprised, to say the least, she had told me she wanted to pass me a thumb drive for me to copy some music for her but a small bag just for that? What I found in the bag was obviously more than just a thumb drive. There was in the bag, 2 small pieces of paper, a dreamcatcher, and the thumb drive itself. On the pieces of paper, there was a drawing of a beautiful and detailed dreamcatcher with the words "May you sleep well" written in block letters at the top. The other piece was a handwritten explanation of dreamcatcher lore in her flowing, neat handwriting.
She had left by the time I opened up the bag and my heart stopped. I had seen her post on instagram a few hours ago of the exact same drawing. At that moment I finally understood; she was thinking of me the whole time. To be honest, I felt scared at first, I was completely unprepared and unconfident to be in another relationship. But more importantly, I had a crush on someone else at that time, someone I knew would never accept me.
I did not know what to do. I knew I definitely could not reciprocate her feelings and everything she has done for me. Yet, I did not want to "push" her away forcibly because I knew first hand how painful that is. It seemed an impractical and cruel method to me. Could "just being friends" work? I did not know. Would just being good friends be enough?
Maybe I've just been taking advantage of her feelings for me, but after everything that happened, I realized it really took someone special to stick by me like that, to hear me talk about other girls, knowing that she would definitely be jealous. To endure hours of discomfort just to drive down to meet me. I really thought she was incredible and I guess, I admired her.
In the end, I guess all I can say is, you are really very important to me. Had we met under different circumstances, we could have been more than just friends, but I'm sorry. I am not ready, and I do not want to treat you anything less than a 100%, and I know it sounds cliche, but you deserve someone much better.
Sorry.
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