Sometimes people just find their way into our hearts. No matter how much we try to guard it, no matter how much we tell ourselves after each heartbreak how "I will never love someone else again!"

   Its silly, but as she sat there opposite me, slowly hacking away at her dinner, I found myself growing fond of this person. Was it her demeanor? Her unique way of doing stuff? Was it how she always seemed whimsically distracted? Staring off into the distance with sleepy eyes. Was it how the sides of her mouth curled up ever so slightly when I try to be funny? I did not know.

   She was still a mystery to me at that point. I could not always tell what what she was thinking, or what she was going to do next. It wasn't because I wanted to know, but that mysterious people intrigued me. They were unpredictable, and because of this, interesting. One day, she would be bubbly and chatty, telling me all about her vacation, or the things that vexed her. On other days, she would sit there silently, staring away, or at her phone.

   When she smiled though, the room lit up. It was genuine, that much I could tell, and she did not smile often, so when she does, time freezes, and the image remains in my mind for a long time.
   It is images like this, that compel me to want to make her smile. It might sound pretentious, fake even, but I've learnt to appreciate a person through all their faults.

   All things considering, I was very lucky, to have a bunch of awesome friends, and to have met a bunch of new and awesome people. Do I still think about the past? Absolutely. Would I want things to return to how they were? Most likely not.

   Will I fall in love again? Yes, I just might.

 

   Its a horrible feeling becoming strangers again after being best friends for so long. Its even worse when you don't know what mistakes you made (or even if you've made any) to have caused this situation. Humans, inherently want answers. We want answers to everything, and resisting this urge to demand answers, more often than not hurt us more than the breakup itself.

   "Do you have a boyfriend already? I don't want to step on anyone's toes", a simple enough question, and a simple enough response from you- silence.
   They say silence means consent, but, I really did not want to believe that at that moment. I wonder if you remembered the reason you gave me when you broke up with me? "I want to be single again" was what you said.

   Some people did hint that she might have been cheating on me before the breakup. Or at least, fallen for someone else. I refused to believe them. I chose to believe you when you told me "No, there is no one else."
   Was I naive? Stupid? Maybe, but I chose to put my trust in you. I thought that our years of being together, years of caring and helping each other would be stronger than anything thrown at us. I trudged on. While you gave up.

   All of this is meaningless now of course as I sent you a birthday text. "I have many things I want to tell you, but I know you don't want to hear them. I just hope we can be normal friends. Don't worry about how I feel. Just treat me as a normal friend. Anyways, happy birthday. I hope you have a great one."

   And you replied, "Thanks"

有缘再见

   She sat there with a slight grin on her face. Her hair, a mess, swinging to the right of her face. It was short, shoulder length, and hints of light brownish strands were visible. Her two small eyes were almost hidden behind a pair of wide glasses. Her eyes were a deep dark brown, almost black even, except in the brightest of lightings. In between them was a cute small button nose. An almost perfect size for her small face. Beneath this was a small mouth, ever so slightly curled in a smile. Her teeth showed every time she smiled, a slight showing, which added to the aura of happiness about her.

   "What?" She smiled, a little more broadly. I might have been staring for too long it seemed.
   "Nothing..." I whispered. "You just look so cute."
   "Nonsense you", she said in return.

   It was a joy to see her smile I realized. If only there was a way to freeze time.

   "So what are you going to do tomorrow?" I asked.
   "Oh, I'm going to meet him..." She replied, looking straight at my face as if soliciting for a response.
   "Ohhhh..." I started, as I gave my best I-don't-care-face.
   "What? You're jealous?" She asked, half smiling. Apparently my I-don't-care-face failed.
   "Oh no... Not really." I tried avoiding her gaze.
   "You're frowning, that means something is up."
   I continued trying to avoid her gaze. I guess my face betrayed my emotions.
   "Tell me." She continued in a firm voice.
   "Well, its just that I had hoped I would have been able to make you forget about him." I said.
   "You're already doing more than he did in three years." She said softly.
   "Not enough apparently..." I muttered.

   I guess I should have known what I was getting into. Yet somehow, I had hoped for a little too much, too soon.

   "Nah, don't worry about me, I'll be fine, I always am." I smiled. Our conversation drifted on to other topics.

   "Why are you making me fall for you?" She asked suddenly. Slightly more serious this time.
   I was startled. I believed I was only doing what every guy should do, or at least how I was raised to believe in anyway.
   "Is that a bad thing?" I laughed, as best a laugh as I could manage given my conflicted feelings.
   "Nooo, its not." She smiled. A beautiful smile as always. I loved it.
   "You know what," I started, "Do what makes you happy."
   A genuine wish but here I was putting my feelings aside again. I have been told I do that too often, that I am too nice to people, and that this was the reason I was dumped. I did not know if that was true, but I do believe that people should be treated genuinely.
   "I think I can make you happier than him though." I said. I couldn't believe what I just said. The me from the past would not have said something like this and I immediately regretted saying it.
   "I know you can." She smiled again. Still the same drop-dead gorgeous smile. I smiled weakly in reply as I pushed my roti-telur around with my fork.

   What could I say to that smile? In the end, my feelings prevailed.
 

   I checked the dates on my tablet. 25th October; a public holiday, that meant no work. 25th October, it also used to bear special significance to me. It was her birthday.
 
   It seemed that as we grew older, we tend to forget the meanings and purposes of birthday celebrations. They become troublesome dates where we have to plan outings, and think of gifts to give. Often, we forget how they are a celebration of a person being born. An appreciation that if they weren't, our lives wouldn't have been so great.

   I remembered the best birthday I've had yet. It was not extravagant, or were there many guests; there was only one person, but her presence, and the efforts she made to make it memorable, was something I will never forget.
   That day, she made an effort to go to the nearby Secret Recipe to buy me a slice of cake. She hid it in the fridge, and while I was showering, attempted to light the candle on it. She did not know how to use a lighter however, and ended up having to light the candle using the fire from the stove. I was very touched, extremely touched. To most, this may sound like a minor effort. To me however, this was pure love.

   I also remembered the worst birthday I've had so far. Again, it was not something extremely devastating, but because of her, I will never forget this too.
   We were in Taiwan, the second last day of our trip there. We knew that this would be our last trip together. Come tomorrow, after we land in KL, we would no longer be a couple. This last trip was supposed to be our last "hurrah", and we both made an effort to enjoy it. Yet somehow, in my heart, I still held on to a sliver of hope, that somehow, tomorrow will never come.
   We walked through a busy night market, savoring the sights and sounds and sampling the exotic and unique food of Taiwan. Halfway through, I grabbed her hand and asked, "So? Did you have fun?"
   "Yea of course!" She replied with a smile.
   "Do you still want to break up with me then?" I asked.
   She shook my hand off and walked on. "We've talked about this haven't we?" She said, "We agreed to have fun this trip because we would break up."
   I did not know what to say. We walked slowly back to the hotel. She walked 10 meters ahead, not looking back, and not giving a care about me. I hung back, as tears streamed slowly down my face. I guess, it was the anticipation of breaking up with me that made her happy then. I had never felt more dejected in my life.

   When we reached the hotel, I took out the piece of dry chocolate cake we had bought earlier and ate it piece by piece by myself. "Happy birthday to myself" I whispered.

   That was the worst birthday I have ever had.

   We sat in the darkened car. The rain pelted the vehicle, a soft atmospheric ambient noise.
   "You're not over her yet", she said softly.
   "Huh?" I was startled by this statement. "What makes you say that?"
   "Its a woman thing..." she said with a sly smile.
   "Wow, is that a thing now?" I laughed. She was cute.
   "Totally." She replied with her sensual voice.
   I looked into her eyes, I couldn't say anything. She was probably right, but that did not mean I did not have the capacity to love someone else. She would always have a place in my heart, as the first person I really completely loved, but others might come along, and they deserved the same love.
   I smiled at her. "What?" She asked with a grin.
   "Nothing, just let me look." I replied.
   Maybe I was falling in love again.

   "Miss this fried chicken? =)" I texted her with an attached photo of our favorite chicken fried with chilli, onions and pepper. I half expected her not to reply as she usually does.

   "Yes I was just thinking of this last night! Haha" her reply came a few minutes later. I stared at my phone. Scarcely believing that she would reply, and in such a way nonetheless. The noise of the conversations around me drowned out as emotions overwhelmed me.

   We used to stay just around the corner from this mamak. Times where we did everything together, and formed a family-like lifestyle. We would help each other in our studies, go shopping at a nearby mall if we felt like it, she would cook her specialty eggs with worcestershire sauce and pepper. I loved it, and I missed every minute of it.

   Those were times when we faced the world together hand in hand, and it gave me a confidence; that if she was by my side, I can take on the world and do anything. It was also the time we promised each other we would be together forever.

   Promises are made to be broken after all as I looked around the mamak. It remained largely the same in the year since we moved away. The orange signboard, the noise of the customers, the familiar smiles of the waiters and also the food. Time it seemed, had stopped only for me. I had the same friends, visited the same places, ate the same food. As a desperate attempt to hang onto her memories a little more...? She moved on a long time ago it seems, and I wondered if she missed me like how I did.

    "when you come down here, I'll bring you here to eat ok?" I replied after an eternity. "hmmm, ok" she replied, a tint of hesitation. I managed a weak smile. It might be how things are now, but I didn't have to like it.