One of the greatest follies of mankind is our refusal to accept change. We often cling onto things and memories like they are the most important things in the world. We reminiscent about the good old days. We dream of returning to a time where life was "simple and carefree" and more often than not, we get angry at changes.
We get angry when something unexpected happens, we blame the invisible divine, we blame the government, we blame the people around us. It eats away at us like cancer, slowly turning every fiber of our body into hate and disdain. We start to get angry at the slightest things, we build walls around ourselves believing only in what we want to believe. We resist change and we try our best to avoid it at all costs.
Yet invariably, change does find us. Whether it be in the form of a small change in weather, and we end up getting annoyed at having to carry an umbrella out. Or in the form of a life-changing event, whether it was in our control or not. Regardless of what type of change it is, it happened, and there is nothing that we could have done to have prevented it. Some call this fate, I call it reality.
Recently I've experienced two life-changing events in the span of around three months. The second might have been a consequence of the first, or they might have been totally unrelated, who knows? What matters is that this change, is a reality. There is no escaping from it, and no turning back the clock. Could I have done things differently and thus have saved my relationship? Maybe, but did that matter at all now? Not at all. All we can take away from these events are the experiences and lessons.
However, sometimes, we still feel the need to find something tangible to direct our anger. Someone to point our fingers to and blame. This is not completely irrational I guess, but blame, is a heavy responsibility, it can ruin a person. Who should I have blamed for my girlfriend breaking up with me so suddenly and without reason? Her? Myself? God? Who should I blame for losing the only stability in my life?
I am no stranger to change. I have lived in three countries, moved houses six times, been to six different schools and one university. I didn't have "childhood" friends. I didn't even contact my high school friends anymore. Some might consider this a serious social disorder, but to me, this was life. When we moved, it meant leaving everything behind and moving to a foreign location where the culture, language and people were very different. I did not fear this and from a young age, accepted it as a natural facet of life. Normal, to me, was the constant expectation and anticipation of change.
When I met my ex, I half expected it to be a temporary relationship. Not because of a problem with our relationship, but because I understood that change could come at any time. Thus, it was a solid two or three years afterwards did I realize she had become the figurative "pillar of stability" in my life. Its hard to explain what this meant to me at that time. Most people did not have my life's experience, and did not understand this constant change surrounding my family so it would be pointless to try to say more, but it really meant the world to me to finally be able to have some form of stability, the kind of stability I see in most of my friends, and which I envied.
And then, she broke up with me.
Change, was again, working against me. I sucked it up, as I usually did, perhaps a bit too well. People asked me at that time questions such as, "Are you ok?" "What happened?" "If you need me, I'm here." and naively, I believed them. I guess I was lost at that time, yearning for the past stability and security I had known. I poured out my woes, I knew that if I didn't, I would have probably committed suicide. Perhaps quite foolishly, I did not consider who I was talking to.
Now I knew that people only said that because it was the "right" thing to do. They did not know what they meant, and the power these "comforting" words have. They did not want to know about your petty problems or woes and they did not want to get involved. I've learnt that now.
At the end of all this, change will find us. Situation change, the mountains change, the weather changes.
And People change.
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